Can you remember a time when you've been fired up about making a positive lifestyle change, perhaps exercising more? Resisting chocolate, quitting smoking, or getting to bed before midnight?

Most of us have set ourselves admirable goals, knowing that these new behaviours will boost our health and vitality. Yet you like me, might also have experience that replacing an old habit with a new one is not always straightforward. Fortunately, practical help is at hand. I greatly admire the work of our guest who has thought long and hard about the science of positive change.

Dr. Kelly McGonigal is a health psychologist and lecturer at Stanford University, the author of several books, including the international bestseller, The Willpower Instinct. She skilfully translates insights from psychology, the wisdom traditions and neuroscience into practical strategies that support personal wellbeing.

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In this compelling conversation, Kelly shares many proven techniques to help you turbocharge your willpower so you can climb your personal Everest.

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Kelly: So I define willpower as the ability to make choices that are consistent with your big goals and your deepest values. So you're basically saying yes to the things that matter deeply. Even when it's uncomfortable or scary or difficult or you're exhausted, it's basically are you able to say yes to those things that really deeply matter to you.

And a lot of people start with some very funny definitions of willpower that set us up for problems with change. So some people think willpower is never struggling. Like, if I have willpower, I'll never be tempted, I'll never be tired, I'll never be distracted. And so you look out at the world and you see people who've made difficult changes or who are committed to a healthy lifestyle, and you think, oh, well that's because they've never wanted a cookie, or they've never been tempted to drink too much, or they never get tired and they bound out of bed ready to run a marathon. That's willpower.

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That's not what willpower is. You know, one of the things that I've learned from working with so many people with behaviour change is that everyone is struggling with something. And when you see people who find it easy to say, have a healthy lifestyle.

I'm vegan. That is not hard for me. I'm not tempted by a hamburger. Never gonna happen. My willpower challenges are more about doing things that scare me. And you could look at me and say, oh, she's so healthy. She has so much willpower. Well, actually, the strength of my willpower comes from doing things that make me anxious.

And I think that that's something, it's a really important aspect of willpower to recognise that in order to have willpower, or to make important changes, you need to get very clear about what you want.

[00:03:00]

So that when these barriers come up, whether they're emotions or compulsions, addictions, temptations, or distractions, if you aren't clear about what you  want, who you are, what you want to offer, the world, uh, it is very easy to be swayed by that present moment desire to be comfortable or to be immediately gratified.

The other definition, I'll say willpower that gets people in trouble is they think willpower is forcing themselves to do things they don't really want to do. So maybe someone will say, I wanna quit smoking. And then if they're thinking of willpower as forcing yourself to do something you don't really want, it means as soon as they've said, I'm gonna quit smoking. There's a voice in their head that says, well, I don't wanna do that, and you can't make me. And instead of thinking about, actually, I would like to live a few extra decades, and I would love to be a good role model for my children instead of poison them slowly with my secondhand smoke, like things that they actually already agree with. 

As soon as you're thinking of willpower as forcing yourself to do things you don't want, then that resistance we talked about becomes primed and becomes stronger because we all wanna feel like we have some level of autonomy.

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We don't like to be controlled by 'shoulds' or by what other people want us to do, and sometimes we become that other person. When our to motivated self sets a goal and then the self who doesn't wanna be controlled is gonna get into that kind of battle.

So we'll start from that definition of it's the ability to do what matters most to make those choices even when it's difficult. 

And I often talk about strengthening three different aspects of willpower.

One is the 'want' power.

Before I get out of bed every morning, I think about what my values are and I think about what might challenge them today. Think about what I have to do, what I want to do. What might distract me how I wanna be in the world today, and I won't get out of bed until I've done that. It's super important. You're basically planting the seeds of want power, priming your brain to remember it when you get the phone call or your kid is sick and everything's starting to go crazy. Some part of you still going to remember, yes. Also self-care. Yes. Also prioritise this other thing.

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And the other two skills are,

I won't power,

which is what most people think about as willpower. That's, I will, you know, I will not, smoke that cigarette. I will not yell when I get angry. I will not complain all day. II will not sleep in. 

And then the

I will power,

which is, what are you going to do?

So we need to be able to inhibit our more harmful impulses, but we also need to find this positive motivation to approach things that are boring or difficult or uncomfortable or new.

And what's interesting is when you block it out that way, you'll realise many people already have one aspect of willpower down solid, strong.

Like I'm really good at the, 'I won't' power stuff – born that way – seems to go along with being highly anxious is a lot of self control.

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But that 'I will' power stuff of having to step up, say yes, be brave, put myself first, all that sort of, that I will, that's more challenging.

And you know, some people I work with, it's like they have a lot of resources, but they have no clue what they want. And so it's very easy for them to get lost in what their families want for them, or what their coworkers or employer wants for them, and they need to really strengthen that 'I want' power.

So one of the first challenges for any sort of willpower project is to do a little self-analysis and see what really is your biggest saboteur right now.

Is it that you don't know what you want? Is it that you are giving into impulses that are very destructive or counterproductive? Or is it that you know what you want – you're really good at saying no to distractions, but you are really bad at finding that positive energy to go after it?

Sharon: So let's say we set ourselves a, a meaningful willpower project.

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We harness the 'I want', and then we're going along. Okay. Say for example, you know, we're quitting smoking, we're eating more healthily, we're exercising more. Some of the common goals we set and then we hit a really intense day. Stress. You know, descends upon us and all of a sudden we rapidly revert back to those behaviours that we were trying to get over.

Just decode why we tend to do that.

Kelly: There are a few reasons. One is that, you know, certainly for the behaviours that you mentioned, like food or smoking, but also a lot of other things too, anything we would consider addictive, like binge watching television or shopping, that they're often things we do because some part of us believes it makes us feel good. And when you are highly stressed, when you're anxious, when you're angry, often when you're sad or lonely, the brain shifts into a state that's really interesting. It sensitises your reward system.

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So let's say on any given day, let's say you have very high standards for chocolate. And this is a silly example, but, very high standards for dark chocolate. And normally it would take an 80% single origin chocolate bar to really tempt you.  Otherwise your brain just looks at some cheap piece of chocolate and says that's not gonna be satisfying.

But when you're really stressed out or really emotionally upset, it sensitises the brain's reward system so that it's willing to place stronger bets that something tempting will make you happy, kind of lowers its standards. So that same cheap piece of chocolate is gonna be much more tempting. Your brain is going to literally be making predictions that approaching and consuming it will feel good.

And that's one of the reasons why we often revert back to counterproductive habits when we're really emotionally upset is because our brain is lying to us. It's trying to push you in the direction of anything that will feel good. And the other thing that goes along with this is that when we're our most upset, the brain is also, it actually is worse at making correct predictions.

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So we know from research that when someone is really upset, there are things that will reliably make them feel better. One is being physically active, one is getting outdoors, one is spending time with a pet or a loved one. Prayer works for people who have faith. 

So there's some things that we know tend to really work, and they are the last thing that your brain tells you to do when you are the most upset. And so that's one of the reasons why.

But I think, you know, the other reason to think about, you know, why we fall into old habits. It's not just things that are tempting. But it's that when we're most stressed out, also, how we think about ourselves and what we're capable of can change. I don't know if you've noticed this, but when you're really stressed out or exhausted or upset you're much more likely to also be self-critical or experience self-doubt. And so if some impulse in you says, oh gosh, but maybe I really should go for a walk instead, you might hear a competing voice.

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Not a literal voice, but a feeling, a sense that, you know, why even waste your time? What's the point? And it's hard to know what that is really about. But it all seems to be part of some kind of evolutionary instinct to get us to just preserve our immediate wellbeing at any cost, including often the cost of our future happiness.

 

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Sharon: Most of us experience a setback somewhere along the line when we're trying to make a significant change. And often the first impulse is to give ourselves a hard time, feel shame and regret, yet you make it clear that we need to unlearn this tendency and replace self-criticism with self-compassion, which for many of us isn't that easy.

Why is self-compassion so important?

Kelly: You might know that the scientific research that I conduct actually is on compassion and self-compassion, and you are absolutely right that most people find it more difficult to feel compassion for their own struggles than for almost anyone else's.

We could talk for hours about why that is, but so acknowledging that that's a challenge.

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What compassion is, is it's recognising suffering, feeling connected to the one who is suffering, and wanting to do something to relieve that suffering. That's what compassion is.

So self-compassion means – first, you need to be able to recognise your own suffering and to not immediately want to escape it, say by drowning your sorrows or denying it or saying something like, oh, well, this isn't really a problem. There are Syrian refugees – that's suffering. Your problems – stop being, you know a baby.

There are all sorts of ways that we choose to ignore or not recognise our suffering.

And then this idea that you have to be connected to the one who's suffering that often requires a kind of perspective on what's happening. That can be hard to find when you're in the middle of sadness or anger or fear.

And then that last part that you have to be willing to do something to relieve that suffering. That also requires some insight, like what in this moment is actually going to give you hope?

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What in this moment is going to give you strength?

Many of the reasons why it's challenging is you have to lay some groundwork for all of that. You can't wait until you're in a downward spiral and then suddenly for the first time, be reflecting on what brings you hope or who in your life can support you.

You need to investigate that early on so that a part of you will remember that. The simplest strategy for self-compassion when people are having that downward spiral or really struggling, there's an exercise that self-compassion researchers in general call common humanity.

When you're struggling to take a moment and recognise what kind of struggle or pain it is, like I'm feeling really disappointed in my myself right now, or I'm feeling, um, really scared about something I have to do tomorrow, whatever that flavour is. I'm in physical pain right now. I'm exhausted, I'm burnt out, to acknowledge it. And then to give yourself permission to acknowledge that this is part of what it means to be human.

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That it does not reveal what is uniquely screwed up about you and your life, which is where many of us go, you know: if I were right for this job, I wouldn't be struggling, if I actually had the potential to change, I wouldn't have made this mistake, if I were a good parent or a good spouse, you know, that I wouldn't have done this stupid thing.

Whatever the things, we think it says something about who we are in a really unique and important way. And instead of we can say, look, this is what it means to be human. All humans make mistakes. All human beings know what it's like to be hurt. All human beings know what it's like to experience pain or illness. And you can actually be kind of creative with this. You know, for example, if I'm struggling to fall asleep at night because I'm worried about something the next day, as an act of self-compassion, I will open up my mind and consider imagining how many countless other people around the world right now are having trouble sleeping because of something they need to do tomorrow that they don't want to do tomorrow. And some of them are really intense.

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Some people are going to funerals. Some people are going to tell the truth about something they've never told the truth about before. Some people are having surgeries tomorrow that they're afraid they might not wake up from.

And when you have that sort of awareness that, oh, right. This is life and I'm not the only one in this boat. It sounds, if you're not actually in that dark moment, this probably sounds very depressing and people will be like, why on earth would you wanna think about that? Why not just imagine you're at the beach? But actually when you're in a moment of suffering, to have the sense that you aren't alone is one of the few things that can actually help us break free from that feeling of isolation that that makes it so difficult to find self-compassion.

And from that place, often what awakens in you is a sense of compassion for everyone who's in that boat. And you think, oh, all of these people who are scared or experiencing self-doubt, or are feeling upset about how they let other people down or whatever it is.

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You think, wow, I really, I feel for them that's so difficult. It is such a difficult experience or feeling to have. And then that compassion gets kind of redirected onto yourself because you're part of that group and it's kind of magical how it works. But you have to experience it to really have a sense of how freeing this can be. And from that place, suddenly one can think, okay, so all these other people are being brave. I can be brave, or all these other parents have made a mistake. And I'm just gonna double down on how much I love my kid and want to be a good parent. There's just something comes up that can mentor you through whatever the setback or the challenge is.

So that's, so think about the other people in the same boat. That's my practice for self-compassion.

Sharon: A lovely practice that you share is the letter of self-compassion to help us tame the inner critic. Can you talk us through that practice?

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Kelly: Yeah, so a letter of self-compassion. One of the things that this really takes advantage of is that our natural compassion and instinct is directed at someone else that you are in relationship with. So you see a puppy who looks sad, or your partner or a spouse is angry. When you see someone you care about and they're upset, it's that attention to them that awakens your compassionate instinct. So when it's your own stress and suffering, It's like there's, you can't, how do you attend to yourself when you are the one who's suffering? And one way to do that is to write a letter.

So the idea is that you take a moment and you write a letter to yourself in the second person. So, if I'm doing this for myself, I write dear. Actually, I'm left-handed, so I'm gonna write Dear Kelly, I know that you are feeling really upset right now and you are ruminating about what happened yesterday and that you go on to basically empathize with myself.

But I use the word you and I really try to describe in a mindful, direct way.

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What I'm feeling, what the situation is, and why it's difficult or painful.

So I've said all these things. You know, I, I know that you're upset, I know that you're feeling, I know that you're wondering, and then you shift into,  a message of common humanity that would be, I want you to remember, you're not the only one who has made this mistake or felt this way or knows what, um, physical pain feels like. Whatever that message of common humanity is, you say it to yourself

And then you say to yourself, whatever it is you really need to hear, and you can imagine that you are talking to a loved one who is in that situation. And what would you say to that loved one or that friend? Or depending on the type of suffering. I also say sometimes you have to think about what if you were a mentor, what if it was like a younger version of you who was struggling, what advice would you give him or her? Sometimes it's a slightly different perspective than just a friend or a child.

What would you say to someone you love? You say that message to yourself and t ell yourself exactly what you need to hear. 

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Put it away, step away. And then one minute later, an hour later, a week later, you go back to that letter and you read it as if it were a letter to you from someone who deeply cares about you, because it is.

Sharon: In her audio book, the Neuroscience of Change, our guest, Kelly McGonigal maps a proven process for realising your most important goals.

Here's the essence of the technique.

First, set yourself a meaningful goal. Then link it to your deepest motivation and your highest values. For example, say you are deeply motivated by helping people, then your goal might be, I want to eat more healthy food because I want to live a long and energetic life where I'm in service to people in our community.

Now you need to commit to one specific behaviour change. Let's stick with the healthy eating goal. This one behaviour change might be that I will bring salad for lunch.

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Remember to set yourself up for success and make sure this one change is practical and achievable.

In the next step, you identify in advance the possible obstacles that could get in the way of your one behaviour change, and you work out your plan B ahead of time. For example, one morning, your routine might be interrupted so you don't have a chance to make your salad for lunch. Your plan B might be that you find a few shops near work where you can buy a decent salad.

And say you have a setback – a colleague buys you a cheese and ham croissant that you just can't resist. Please remember, don't be hard on yourself. Remember to keep yourself accountable for your goals. However, shaming yourself and being self-critical undermines your willpower.

Self-compassion is key to getting back on track and embedding this new habit.

Kelly explains that the other way to boost your willpower is to team up and make change social.

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Kelly: So much of our behaviour is shaped by our relationships and our environment, and so there are a lot of ways to make change social and those are a few things I would definitely add to our list.

So one example is to get a role model – that already makes it social. It doesn't even have to be someone you know, but maybe you can find a memoir, a story you, you can know that this type of change is possible and to have that in your mind because we know that once someone has seen a narrative that awakens in them, sort of a desire to follow in that path. It's already paving the path for them. So that's one way to make it social.

Find other people who share your goal. That seems to kind of outsource your willpower when you have the least of it. So if you are part of a team and you're all trying to make a change and you are having a really bad day, they can lift you up and support you and remind you of your goal.

And another version of making change social is to have a bigger-than-self goal. 

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That if you are trying to make a change because you think it is in service of something bigger than yourself that you care about, that is like a power pack for your willpower. It's like extra jet fuel for whatever reason, bigger than self-motivation seems to be stronger than purely self-focused motivation.

So it might be that you want to be healthy because you have a purpose in life as a parent, as in social activism in your work, and you need energy and strength, endurance in order to be your best self at whatever your purpose is.

And when you're clear about the link between the change that you wanna make and that bigger-than-self goal that you wanna be a role model for others,  whatever that is.

That gives people much more sustainable motivation and energy. So I would add that to people's repertoire and to think about ways to make whatever this change is to really acknowledge that it is bigger than you.

[00:26:00]

Both in the sense that there are other people who share your struggles so you're not alone in it. Also the idea that making this change is not selfish. It's about something bigger than you, and that often brings forward a bigger than self source of strength.

You know if, if you want to transform your health, you cannot choose that. You cannot choose and say, I am now vibrantly healthy, free of disease, whatever. That's not a choice you can make, but you can say, okay, this is what my commitment is, this is what my goal is, and I'm gonna think what today is consistent with that choice. It's one choice I make at breakfast, or it's once today when I crave a cigarette. I'm gonna delay for 10 minutes, just 10 minutes.

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But there's even research showing that if you can delay the first cigarette of the day, for any amount of time, it increases your chances of quitting in the long term and even reduces your risk of diseases like lung cancer. So there are really legitimate benefits to making very small choices.

And then you get to pay attention to what the obstacles are. You might not be able to predict it first, but let's say you said, okay, I'm gonna make a healthy choice at lunch, and then you hit lunchtime. You don't have enough time to go out for something healthy. So you eat, you know, leftovers that was in the fridge, in the office or something like that.

Now you know what one of your obstacles is and so you can plan for that in the future. And this, you know, it's very strategic, it's very logical, but people often aren't curious about the process. How small changes can snowball into bigger changes and all of these little tiny barriers that can become bigger than they need to be because we just haven't paid attention to how we allow ourselves to be dissuaded from our bigger goals.

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So you can think of it as, it's almost like a mindfulness exercise. You get curious about how you make choices. And again, I really encourage people to start with the smallest commitment they think they can make that is consistent with their goals, and not worry about, well, is that going to be enough? It doesn't have to be enough because it's gonna get easier once you start it.

And then the next small step is actually gonna be a little bit bigger and have an even bigger effect on whatever it is you wanna accomplish.